From point A to point B...

I've wondered how it is we get from one side of a breaking heart to another. I've lived through my heart being crushed, dampened, torn apart, hardened and then softened to start the whole process again. I wonder how many more emotions are in store for me...

I wonder where our hearts can travel
on a string of pain
not knowing if loss or gain
is on the map
I wonder why we venture out
into a world so cold
so apathetic to the needs of so many,
indifferent in the midst
of such agony
I wonder how we can stand so still
while listening to the tears
that fall like rain on the pavement,
pouring out of lives,
wetting the feet of our friends and lovers,
only to be wiped off callously before they step inside.
How much shaking can we do?
How much heart breaking can we stand?
Without somebody to hold my hand,
Where will I land?
I wonder what it's gonna take
to trust again, and stop our hearts
from beating to the same set of drums.
How many emotions have to be revisited
or recycled before this endless loop
circles back again
I wonder who it is that can say
"remember when",
as if you could ever forget.
Why is it so easy to love
when you are farthest away?
Why is it in the darkest of night,
that the memories come out to play?
How much of my broken heart
do you need to see,
to get from point A to point B...

"Journey" to the past...

I worked about 16 hours today, and enjoyed every minute of it. I was backstage catering at the Journey and Cheap Trick concert. Bands that I listened to when I was a mere child. I heard "Open Arms" "Faithfully" "Separate Ways". Good songs that bring back good memories and some not so good memories, but I am thankful for both. I love music. Certain songs can bring me back to certain moments that I hadn't thought about in awhile. "Open Arms" brings me back to when I was about 14 and living in the Philippines. Those were the best times and some of the worst times of my life but worth every moment spent there. I lived on an Air Force Base and we had one radio station, and everyday between 4 and 6 pm they would take dedications. It was an easy way to see who was still in love and who was broken up or who was breaking up with a song. :) Living on that base was like living in a very small town. Everybody knew everybody. It was fantastic. "Open Arms" was probably one of the most dedicated songs on that radio station, and still one of the most romantic songs ever written.
So, while I was working the show, I did not get to see the concert, but I did hear it and while things have changed, they still sound like they did way back when, and it brings a smile to my face...

Never know what to expect upon returning home...

My son wants to be a smurf. He hasn't actually come out and expressed this, but what else can I think, when I come home to find that he has taken a blue marker and colored himself blue. Yep, the whole belly/chest area, part of his back, a little on his face. Very nice shade of light blue. Granted this was better (I think) than coloring the walls or doors; it was and is still difficult to remove. I can't even find the marker to see if it was permanent or not. I guess we will just have to wait until it wears off. Funny thing is, this wasn't even the most amusing part of the story. He had put on 8 pairs of pants because he didn't want to feel the spanking (which he didn't get - I was just too amused). 8 pairs of pants and blue, it makes a momma proud. :)

Zest Long Forgotten

With childlike wonder
you gaze,
aware and trusting
of things which we long ago
stopped believing.
Hoping and dreaming
of a life which unfortunately
we can turn into a nightmare.
Fearlessly,
Relentlessly
pushing forwards.
Striving to be
completely
enamored with
possibilities
of a brand new world.
Opening your eyes
to a new day,
which we rapidly get through
and call yesterday.
Maybe through you
I can live again,
with a zest long forgotten.
Let me see through your eyes
and exist in a state of innocence,
looking forward to tomorrow.

I came across this as I was looking at old journals. I wrote this poem a few months after my oldest was born. That was fourteen years ago. I couldn't stop thinking about how she was seeing things for the first time, and how I have taken for granted particular moments. It has been impressed upon me that with every situation I find myself in, I have that "one" moment that I can't get back; so I need to make sure my choices are the best ones that I can make.

It's Monday....

and I was able to sleep in. I have a hard week ahead of me, but I am not complaining. Actually, I am thanking God for providing so much work. It certainly takes the stress off when it comes to paying bills. I wait tables at an awesome restaurant and I get to do some catering as well. We
catered for the band Poison a couple of weeks ago, and that was pretty cool. I cut my teeth on heavy metal, so it was nice visit to the good old days of rock concerts, except this time I was backstage feeding them and somewhat attending to their dressing rooms. Twenty years ago, I would have been in heaven doing this, now it's just a job, and my vision of heaven looks very different. I am in a very good place, and I am thankful for my children (my gifts from God), and all the other special people He has placed in my life - you know who you are :).

"This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Life Verse

Whenever we curse our struggles and conflicts, we inevitably squander opportunities to bring glory to God, serve others, and grow to be more like Christ. But when we respond to God's grace by consecrating our difficulties to Him, there is no limit to the good that can be accomplished, even when that good seems far away at the time.

Ken Sande

I came across this quote today. It used to be my signature for all of my emails, but was at some point replaced with another quote that "spoke" to me at that point of my life. But after reading this one again, this has brought home to me that my number one goal in life is to bring glory to God, serve others, and grow to be more like Christ. If I don't live this, all else falls apart, and has fallen apart. But I am in a different season now. I can see the forest for all of its trees, and I know that there is an "other" side to the grief, despair and valleys of suffering. God gave me my life verse this past month, and it was a sweet message, with a great promise:

"I would have lost heart, if I had not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalms 27:13

God is right here, wherever we are, at all times!