My husband started a new job this past week.
Right after I made that goal of , what were my exact words..., oh yeah, "trusting his judgement". He had a very good job. Most of the co-workers were godly men. I was comfortable. So comfortable, that I didn't realize that my husband was drowning in his sea of despair. I knew he was unhappy, but I likened it to boredom. I assumed it was a passing phase, but it ended up being so much more. It's terrifying to see somebody you love leap into such a state of depression, but sadder yet, when you've been right there with them the whole time, but because of your (my) security isssues, you ignore the signs. I ignored his subtle complaints; I shut down if I even felt like he was thinking of another job. I didn't honor my husband's wishes in this manner. I like security. I'm not one that is totally resistant to change, but I have realized that I like to be in control of all changes that involve me. Even to the point where I have not let God do His work, because I refused to get out of the way. This was one of those times. Don't you just love those trials or lessons that you think others are going through, only to find that the trial was just as much for you as the other person. I didn't love those trials, but I've realized that my heavenly Father loves me and my husband so much, that in order to bring us closer to Him (my case), or bring the prodigal back into His arms (my husband), He needed to sear a few things out of our lives. What was amazing is that He allowed us to truly go through this together. I was immediately convicted when I acted out of line, and when the temptation to walk away from what I felt was my husband's selfishness, the Lord brought a face into my mind. I called this person, and godly advice poured out, and through this phone call, I experienced a brokenness that I have never felt before in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been sad, extremely angry, but I've always been self-reliant, but not this day. I was broken to the point of tears, lying on my face, crying out to God, because I couldn't do it anymore. My reserve was empty, which I've realized is where God really does His best. He doesn't let you stay empty for long.
He is eager to fill that place with what you really need, not what you think you need. He filled my emptiness with love: His love, my love, a true reciprocating circle of love that continues to spin today. On my own accord, I was ready to walk away. On God's accord, I fell in love with my husband again, and now have that peace to trust my husband's judgement, but only because I trusted God then, and I trust Him now. I know there will be other battles or trials in the future, but I also know that there will be "plateaus of peace, vistas of glory, and gentle sunbeams to rest in."
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to
completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
This was the scripture that God sent us during this time. We are on a journey, and we won't be perfect until the day of Jesus Christ, but we are not alone.
"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you
or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 3:18
My husband has been working for a week for a new company. It's an out of town construction company that travels extensively. They will be in our city for a couple of months and then they will move on. However, they have approached my husband about travelling with them, which brings about a whole new set of circumstances to pray about, but it's okay. We are praying together, and he is seeking the Lord's counsel on his own as well, and I am praying for my husband.
